Joy in the Fog

I want to say something about finding joy in the midst of fairly heavy chronic fatigue.

I am rewriting the book of my life. I haven't been able to work regularly for most of my life, but I have filled the gap by learning and developing some of my interests and passions and honing my skill as a writer.

This has fed me well. But I find now that taking on even small projects is very stressful because of how long it takes me to do anything, due to fatigue, brain fog (and its many children), etc.

I’m turning 67 this year. I’ve decided I don’t want to spend the last perhaps twenty years of my life struggling from project to project and feeling like I can’t take time away for other things (and people) until I finish, so I am shifting my focus onto things that give me an immediate boost, a wee spark of joy. Such as taking up singing again.

I don’t have a teacher or a choir or anything so energy and commitment demanding. I use online videos for practicing when I am able and reclaiming my voice, and I am taking some of my old repertoire off of the shelf and relearning them. As many of the songs are in Irish, this gives me a chance to relearn a little of that, but in a gentle way.

I will soon be taking a six week online course that focusses on the inspiring, sacred songs of Hildegarde of Bingen, but which is intended for a deep awakening of our voice.

I feel very happy about all of this, after nearly losing my ability to sing at all. I am not expecting miracles from the practicing or the class. This isn’t about goals, or anything that might be achieved or happen later. This is about enjoying the moments while I sing.

I may not recover — I’ve been trying all my life — but damn it, I will have joy.

Image of goofy, older white woman posing in front of gorgeous, unlit lights in Dundalk, Ireland’s market square, hours before they were lit in celebration of Brigit. Many of the lights show images of St. Brigit’s face or symbols associated with her.